(The above image is from yogajournal.com)

I began a series of executive coaching sessions in early March, thanks to the generosity of StackCommerce. My journey since then has been one of the most introspective experiences and one of the most rewarding of my professional career.

This is a trying time for all of us. We are forced to let go of control and redefine the notion of normalcy daily. We are asked to stay at least 6 feet away from the people we love dearly. We are told to believe that the outside world is dangerous, bringing into question our sense of safety.

I hated it. I hated working from home. I hated not being able to travel.

During the first two weeks of working from home, I had trouble sleeping. The COVID-19 nightmare began in late January for me when cases first broke out in Hong Kong. My initial response had been to scramble and ship hand sanitizers, face masks, alcohol wipes and anything else that could potentially safeguard my family and friends from this virus to them. To see the same horror replicated in my neighborhood several weeks later peaked my anxiety and drained the positivity out of me.

To combat this, I started exercising and meditating almost daily in an attempt to calm my mind and body. I created a patio garden and bought rooftop furniture to make sure I didn’t succumb to cabin fever. I carried on cooking, with my meals becoming increasingly elaborate. I took to social media to show that “I’m ok!”. Telling myself that I would use this time to improve myself, both physically and mentally.

And then my body broke down and I laid in bed for 2 days.

My body was fatigued and my mind was traumatized. The facade I put up was an attempt to overcompensate for my lack of control over the circumstances. Gabe, my executive coach, was the voice of assurance that nothing was normal, reminding me that it’s perfectly ok to feel grief and that it takes time to adjust. We examined my deeply set beliefs that ‘being in control is good’ and that ‘pain/suffering is a necessary side effect to growth’.

Precisely because of this macro environment, I found myself more receptive to executive coaching and its accompanying exercises than I normally would have been. In aggravating circumstances, our less than desirable behaviors are exaggerated, bringing the core beliefs behind those behaviors up for closer scrutiny. It took me (nearly) breaking my back to realise forcing myself to perform is just as detrimental as being unmotivated. Both roads are counter-productive.

I worked with Gabe to unlock these “harmful” beliefs and we discussed how the opposite approach could increase my productivity at work and in life. I started a gratitude journal to list 10 things I am grateful for every day, and recently, I started adding a daily entry for self-care routines. 

This is the first time in my life that I feel truly invested in myself. I still feel occasionally fatigued from work but I found a new form of positivity and ownership over my emotions and reactions. I do not beat or guilt myself into performing (does “I’m not good enough” sound familiar?); I create the motivation for me to perform. I am good enough because I choose to be.

I hope this long story will encourage you to invest in yourself. I highly recommend Novus Global (and of course Gabe Gooley and Jon Roberts) to anyone who has had struggles similar to mine. Let’s use these strange times we are living in as a hyperbolic time chamber (any Dragon Ball Z fans here?) to spar with our inner selves. We are all good enough.